Strong Enough?

“You must
You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I’m not strong enough to be
everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not stong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us”  - Matthew West lyrics to Strong Enough

The lyrics to this song have been going through my head on a daily basis. Life has been really hard and I have not been able to focus on E4 as much as I want to.   I have wanted to write a post about the great things that God is doing through E4, but what is on my mind constantly these days is actually how hard the last 6 months have been since we started E4 Project.  My husband and I founded E4 Project with Tim (our Executive Director) in late December of 2010.  I was ready to jump right in and get to work with all that we had to do, as soon as my boys went back to school after Christmas break, but God had different plans.

Our 11 year old, 5th grade son, Ryan, developed a horrible virus in the middle of January that lasted for 3 weeks. He was really sick and was tested for all kinds of sicknesses and diseases (especially since we had been in Africa 5 months before this time) by his pediatrician and also specialists at The Children’s Hospital in Denver.  About 7-8 weeks into this sickness that never went away completely, he was diagnosed with “Post Viral Syndrome” by the Infectious Diseases Unit at Children’s.  It is basically a combination of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia.  He is extremely fatigued, has lost his normal brain functions and ability to concentrate, severe pain, sore throat/cough, emotional issues and sleep problems, among many other symptoms.  From January to the end of the school year, Ryan only could attend about 45 minutes a day of school, at the most. He could no longer read or comprehend things read to him.  Everything else in his life fell by the wayside as he worked to just understand math each day. He could only comprehend/focus on things for about 10 minutes.  It would absolutely wipe him out physically and mentally.

We are now 6 months into this illness, and while we do see some improvement, he is still struggling a lot.  Our lives have become centered around his various appointments with doctors, physical therapists, psychiatrist, etc. We have anywhere from 3-5 appointments a week and my life has been engulfed by just taking care of our two boys.  This has been really hard on the whole family, especially Ryan’s younger brother, Carter.

In addition to this, I have had some serious back (bulging disk) issues resulting in chronic pain.  My husband’s business partner of 6 years (and friend since high school) forced him out of their business partnership (which has led to strong feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger and concern about our financial future).   Also, Carter has struggled with sensory processing issues and anxiety that he deals with, but that has increased since Ryan’s sickness.  There have been other things too, but these top the list.  It has been a hard 6 months. At times, I have just fallen to my knees, crying out to God to help us.  Daily, I pray for instant healing for Ryan, and yet it has not come.  I cannot stand to see Ryan in such pain and discomfort and the exhaustion from dealing with life has taken over.  All through this, I have tried to keep up with all of my responsibilities with E4 as the Director of Operations and also with a team that I lead at our church that partners with a high poverty school in our area. Then there is every other aspect of life that always needs attention.  It is overwhelming.

I am not strong enough to handle this.  But God is.  The lyrics to the song “Strong Enough” express exactly how I feel (the full lyrics are at the bottom of this post).  I have learned to rely on Him more during this time than I have in the past because there is no where else to turn.  I have also learned that God does not need me to accomplish His goals – He works in amazing ways, as He is doing with our partnerships in Gabon. It is a privilege to be involved in His work, but it has been a really humbling reminder to me that He will see that His will gets done, and that I need to trust Him with where He has chosen to put my focus in life.  I think that I somehow thought that I was needed to help accomplish His work – clearly not so.  He is moving in amazing ways in Gabon, and in a lot of ways, I am sitting on the sidelines, watching his magnificent plan unfold for E4 and Gabon. I have also learned through His word and the wisdom of friends, that God will use this time of suffering to refine us and make us more like Him.  How could I want anything else?  I am definitely not thankful for what we are going through, but I am thankful for how I see God in it.  I am also absolutely blown away by the trust and faith that I see in my son, now 12 years old and heading into 6th grade.  He is often an example to me of true faith as he completely trusts that God has a purpose for what he is going through and trusts Him, often more than I seem to.

A book that has been really helpful to me in just the last couple of weeks is called “When Life Comes Undone” by T.J. Addington.  I recommend this book to anyone who is dealing with life’s hurts and difficulties – as we all do.  This quote is very helpful to me and sums up a lot of what he talks about in the book.  I also want to add that I realize so many of you who will read this post are dealing with things much more difficult than I am, and my heart aches for you. I hope that the song lyrics or this book might be of some comfort to you.

“Life will come undone, but God does not!  Life will come undone, but God’s purposes for our lives do not change.  There is life after life undone.  Life is different, but in many ways richer than before because the divine scars we wear give us a new perspective, new faith, and new resolve – if we allow it.  In fact, it is often the pain and scars of a life undone that drives us to explore life with Jesus more closely.  When there is nowhere else to turn, He is there, waiting.”

The author also quotes John 16:33 frequently – “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world”. He then states, “That peace does not remove the pain of our suffering. Simple answers work only when life is going our way.  They fail when life gets complicated and hard.  Sometimes God intervenes in clear and miraculous ways. Sometimes the heavens are discouragingly silent.  Just as Jesus was not spared the pain of life in a fallen world, nor are we…..what is promised by Jesus is His presence in our lives – regardless of our circumstances, and it is His presence that is the game changer.”

I am definitely finding this to be true – I don’t think that I always realize it or am always as focused on it as I should be, but – He is there.  He is always there.  He is waiting for us to come to Him and He will give us the peace that we need when we seek Him wholeheartedly. For me, this is a daily decision that I must make (and sometimes a very difficult one) – to seek Him and trust that He is there and that He knows what is best in my life, even when it hurts.  Where else do I have to turn but Christ?

Below is a photo of our two boys (Ryan on the left, Carter on the right) taken in Steamboat Springs, CO over the 4th of July weekend.  This was a day where Ryan was doing pretty well. He had 4 anxiety attacks while we were there and was very fatigued at times, but we had a good time getting away from the house and being together as a family.

Strong Enough by Matthew West -

You must
You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I’m not strong enough to be
everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not stong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I’m finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not stong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Oh, yeah

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not stong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough