Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized that my younger son had been counting the exact days since his older brother became sick. It broke my heart. I knew how much he was struggling, we all were, but this moment really sank me. I cried out to God again, as tears rolled down my cheeks in the hallway at school. This memory comes to my mind about every 2-3 days.
Ryan has been sick for 19 months now. We are so sad for him as he is not experiencing the life that a 12-13 year old should have. The stress tears at our family. Sometimes, I feel lost. Angry. Sad. Hopeless. Alone.
I don’t feel God’s presence. What am I supposed to do when I pray and seek Him and do not seem to find Him? What should I do when I cry out night after night and am answered with silence? These are the moments that my mind becomes darkened, I question, and I choose to stand in my own freedom and power and push God away, because I cannot feel Him near.
The only answer that I have found to these questions is that I have to continue to choose to trust in a loving God. Either God is in control of everything in my life and family, or He is not. I can only choose between these two things - and I choose God. I have to come back to Him even when I don't feel His presence.
God is waiting for me to remember that He is always with me, even when I don’t see it – sometimes I have to look harder, and open up my hardened heart. As I cried myself to sleep last night, I listened and thought about how God often reaches out to me – through His creation. I thanked Him for the owl hooting outside our window at that moment, for the three fox kits and their mom living in our side field that I had been watching all evening, for the baby blue jays born in our yard and sitting at our pond. As I thanked Him and realized that He was showing me signs of His love and presence throughout that entire day, my heart returned again to trusting Him.
There are so many days that I miss signs from Him. Last night I felt Him saying, “I am with you and am constantly showing you signs of my love and presence. You need to trust what I am doing in your family and with your life".
God is always with me – I just have to surrender and remember this, daily. Not always easy, but He never said it would be.
(I wrote this post about 3 weeks ago - it wasn't ready though - so it is not written as of today)